Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
My vagina is very pro this idea
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
