I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
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