After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
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