I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Randomize
