I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
