I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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