fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
