M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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