the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
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