My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
