you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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