Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
