I cannot find my penis.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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