??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
