She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
