um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
