From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
