Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
