look no pants
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
she peed on how many people?
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
