paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
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