I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
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