you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
