i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
