I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
