Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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