you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
