I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Randomize
