You don't have asthma, your pregnant
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
