Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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