i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
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You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
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I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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