Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
