Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
