Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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