Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Randomize
