im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
