mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
