what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
