Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
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