cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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