I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
We need to feng shui this bitch.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
