I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Randomize
