Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
