Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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