Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Randomize
