All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Randomize
