I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
