Im at strip club and am horny
Someone shit on the floor
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
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