thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Randomize
