I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
