You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
