So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
My cat gives me a boner
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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