the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
