we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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