So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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