i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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