People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Randomize
