Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
