So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
